Spot Global Phone review: a satellite phone for the masses

Finally, a phone made in the year 2013 that Zack Morris can approve of. All kidding aside, Spot's aptly titled Global Phone isn't the most -- shall we say, svelte -- of handsets, but it's capable of communicating in places that your iPhone could only dream of. Spot is actually a subsidiary of satellite communications giant Globalstar, who is no stranger to providing satellite-based service to argonauts the world over. The Global Phone is one of the company's first consumer-facing phones, taking the intrigue and mystery out of procuring one of those fancy sat phones -- you know, the ones that can seemingly only be acquired by James Bond's nemeses.
The target market for this handset is obvious: if you're an avid hiker, explorer, boater or adventurer, there's a high likelihood that you'll end up in a locale where traditional cell networks provide no coverage. In fact, it's shockingly easy to find dead zones these days -- just head to your nearest national park and stroll up a marked trail for a bit. At $499 for the device itself and month-to-month plans starting at $25, it's actually a reasonably priced addition to one's off-the-grid arsenal. (Have you seen the prices on subzero sleeping bags these days?)
But, is it a worthwhile addition? I recently traversed 1,600 miles of mostly desolate territory in the US Southwest in order to find out, and the answer lies just after the break.